Simple.

Hey.  Hi.  Hello.  Sugar Jerk wants you to take a minute and tell someone close to you that you love them.  Whether it's your best friend, your mom, your brother, your grandma, your bi-lingual cat, it doesn't matter.  Life is tough.  Life is crazy.  But life should be celebrated.  Have fun, don't care what people say about you, dance and sing in the mirror, whatevs.  We all have a purpose.  Sugar Jerk loves you.

[remember the ones we've lost, and look forward to what we can gain.]

Icy.

Girls Aloud performed their new single "Untouchable" on a little show called -- get this -- Dancing on Ice.  WTF.  The girls look like goddesses, but for real?  What's with the wannabe-MILF in the tight black pants and horrendous facials?  Better luck next time, Girls.

Idle Idol.

Alright.  Let's preface this with the fact that Sugar Jerk be lovin' some Kelly Clarkson.  Like, adore.  We own 2 copies of "From Justin to Kelly."  Enough said.  Howwwever, what was homegirl doing on Idol the other night?  She looked like she wrapped an area rug around her and then bedazzled it.  Not cute.  Good thing she's an amazing performer because she was lookin' b-b-busted.  Lucky for us it looks like she hired a stylist between Wednesday and Saturday, cuz she was smokin' hot on SNL.  Don't scare us like that, KC!

Shoulda Put a Ring on it.

Thanks, to All 15 of Our Readers.

PowderPuff.

Dear Lil Rounds,

Nice mom jeans.  In white?  Seriously?  Did you steal that boa-like apparatus on your shoulder from The Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious?  I'm pretty sure that wearing corsets in public as clothing ended in 2001.  Don't act like you beat Sarah Jessica Parker to the punch.  Get it together. 

Love,

Melanie.

The Cat Whisperer.

Melanie attempts to inform Callie that she's got some gray chest hair.

Handling the Handler.

Totally went to the Chelsea Handler show last Friday in Cinci.  Holy hot pocket, it was incredible.  It literally felt like you were listening to a really funny friend tell ridiculous stories for an hour and a half.  Flawless.  Mel got some pictures, so I'm hoping we can post some shiz.  We met her afterwards and by that I mean I shoved my book towards her face and she asked me what my name was.  I, of course, went blank and spewed out such original thoughts as "You were awesome" and "I freaking love you."  Classic.  She wrote "Ben!  Suck it!  Chelsea."  I love that she gathered that about me by just saying my name.  Well, she wrote "Chris!  Go gays!  Chelsea" in his, so she must be an excellent judge of character.  Or we're just exceedingly obvious.  Either way, it was perfect.  (One step closer to getting my own show on E!......)

- B.

Straight Up.

I observed something about four Absolut&Tonics in last night at our fave homo spot, Club Masque.  When did it become hetero honeymoon central?  I stopped in the middle of the dancefloor and I just looked around and I was like, good God.......was Hammerjax full?  It was like one couple over here practically making a baby, then another couple over there inspecting each other's throats.  What has the world come to?!  I mean, I'm all about equal opportunity, free love, the whole bit.  And I understand it truly is the best club in Dayton, no doubt....But for real?  Plus some douchebag kept bumping into me and he almost put a chair on my foot.  Leave the drag queens to the gays and their hags, ya heard.

- B.

Mr. Tankersley.

Dear Gournal....

How Do You Sleep?

Swooooon.  I don't know what it is about this guy, but damn.  DAMN.  You should buy this song off iTunes, cuz it's duchess.  Yeah, I said duchess.  It means hot.  Use it.  (stop trying to make fetch happen...)

Jesse McCartney - How Do You Sleep - Featuring Ludacris

Flash Forward.

Mel and Ben at the The Circus: Starring Britney Spears on April 30...

Mel: Oh Em Gee.  I think I see Brit!  Yep, it's her!  OHEMGEEEEEE!!!!

Ben: She is lookin FIT.  That's totally not her real hair though.  We'll never get past it...

Mel: But, she's really flexible.

Ben: UH-Yeah, how do you think she had two kids?  Hallelujerrr.

Mel: Wait a hot tranny minute........is she lipsyncing????!!!?!

Ben: Melanie.  What are you talking about.  That's ridiculous.  It's just that the playback on the screen is off.  

Mel: Oh.  Right............so then why does she sound like LL Cool J?

Ben: Yeah, I'm not sure how to explain that one.

Mel: I don't care!!  I LOVE YOU BRIT-BRIT!

We can totally see into the future.  Don't hate.

Graduating.

High School Musical superstar/Ben's future best friend Ashley Tisdale has revamped her image and girl wants you to know it!  Her hair is auburn, and dare I say -- sexy.  That's right...sexy.  Plus, she's got a new album coming out later this spring called Guilty Pleasure.  Sounds naughty....but you know...in a cute way.  I am unapologetically infatuated with her and sometimes I think we're the same person.........but I have a significantly smaller bank account.  Womp womp.  The point is: GET IT GIRL, get it get it girl.

- B.

  

Pablo's de Don.

I think Melanie ate all the food...